The art of Mirroring and matching

The most popular way to create rapport is to use mirroring and
matching. This technique copies a naturally occurring process. When
you observe two people who are in love you will see that their
movements almost copy each other’s. They often ‘finish each other’s
sentences’.

When it is taught, one is encouraged to mirror the
movements and behaviour of the person with whom they are
communicating. If they are seated opposite a person and the person
moves their left hand, then the student subtly moves their right
hand. If the head is tilted to the right, the student tilts their head to
the left. In this way a person is almost seeing a reflection of
themselves in the student.

This process is developed in ever greater detail. So the student will
notice the rate and depth of breathing of the subject. They will notice
the movement of the diaphragm and match it. As the breathing is
matched it makes it easier to match the rates of speaking.
The matching process is extended to the speech patterns being used
by the subject. So the words and sentence structure is also matched.
If the subject expresses themselves in a certain way then the student
states their ideas using the language of the subject.

When all the mirroring and matching techniques are combined they
are very powerful. The subject is being ‘hit’ at many non-verbal
levels by congruent communications. This is the 93 per cent of
communication identified by Mehrabian. When the subject senses
that the person that they are speaking to is like them then they are
more likely to trust them. They are more likely to suspend their
critical faculties and act ‘on trust’.

Old maps

‘When you discover you are riding a dead horse the best
strategy is to dismount.’
                                                       -Dakota tribal saying-

For a moment try a brief thought experiment.

Imagine that you have gone to a town for the first time. You try and find your way around the town with an A–Z that is 30 years out of date. How would you do?

The chances are that at times you would have few problems.
However, at other times you may find it impossible to get around. You read the map and follow it, yet you cannot reach your destination. You may be frustrated and angry. This type of response is not good for your health. At other times you may just quit. You cannot find the place so you stop trying. When you consider this scenario it seems improbable.

Who would try and get around a town with an old map?
Who could be so foolish? Yet we have a psychological map for ‘getting around our social world’. This map includes directions on understanding ourselves, others and what to do in a variety of situations. These psychological maps are developed as we grow up. When they are accurate we can read the world well and achieve the results that we desire. However, in many situations our psychological maps resemble the 30-year-old A–Z. The results can often be deeply frustrating and result in disappointments, frustrations and a sense of failure.